Thursday, May 28, 2015

Conversations with myself

       About two weeks ago, we discovered we had a leak in our propane tank. I called our propane company and they sent a very nice man out to fix the leak. The tank was fixed, everything on it replaced with new parts... but there was still a leak somewhere. The only conclusion was there is in the gas line that runs underneath out home, a place which our propane company cannot legally go, and a place where the park cannot go because we "own" our home. They are not our landlords. We are responsible for everything that breaks, including the gas line. And after 3 years of EVERYTHING breaking, and I mean that literally - our floor, our ceiling, the toilet, the kitchen sink, every freaking door in this place - and we decided that we're done.
       We're not fixing anything else. So, now, we're trying to move.
       We don't have a lease, so getting out of this place won't be hard. We won't get any money back for the "mobile home" because we've only paid half of the lease, but we will get reimbursed for the propane when our supplier comes to collect the tanks, and also, possibly our security deposit? But with the holes in the ceiling and the fact that we've never painted the skirt or shed (which has been broken since we've moved in!) I don't know if we will.
       We're looking to move closer to where Matt works, or at least south of Rochester. We want to be out of here by July 1. We've looked at 2 apartments, and at first we wanted the first one, but once we saw the second one, we were sold. It's bigger, more kitchen space, heat is INCLUDED in rent, a brand new playground currently being put in right behind our building, AND THERE IS A DISHWASHER. The only downside is I have to give up my washer and dryer, and will have to use the one in the building, or go to the laundromat. I was torn because no matter which apartment we chose, I'd have to give up my washer and dryer, but the first apartment we looked at was on the bottom floor and the washer/dryer room was literally right outside the doorway, where as this place is in the basement, and we're living on the second floor. There will always be pros and cons no matter where you live. But having heat included and a dishwasher is a big plus in my book, since I'm the sole dishwasher here.
        Where we are going is literally hicksville. It's upstate NY farm country, with, most likely, uneducated people, BUT it's small, but not TOO small. It's got a town like Stars Hollow, so I am hoping maybe once we move, I can finally attempt to find a non customer service part time job as a trial run for anxiety, or even do some volunteer work or something, just to keep my mind busy and learn how to stop worrying about everything. This move has me seriously stressed. We go in on Saturday with our application and all the paper work we need, the only problem is they ask for proof of spay/neuter for the cats, which we don't have because Taz was neutered back in 2007 when I still lived in Binghamton! I've never had an apartment ask me for that before...? I also don't have a primary vet for them because VETS ARE EXPENSIVE, and I don't see a point when they aren't sick... When Taz got sick, I took him to the 24hr emergency place in Henrietta.
       I am getting super anxious about everything and of course Fiance doesn't understand because he doesn't care. He has no emotion about anything. He can turn it off life a Vampire. He just doesn't feel. Only his dick does. He went to bed 45 minutes ago and he's been playing on his phone ever since. He keeps telling me not to worry, it will be fine, yada yada yada... And every time he says it, I start to second guess this being a good idea. But... I have no where else to go. And my son is so attached to fiance and his son. Dylan would hate me if I left fiance. I'm also bipolar and I have days where I hate fiance and days where I love him more than anything in the world (besides Dylan), so maybe I am just having a day because I am stressed and he's all nonchalant about everything, and I just wanna punch him. It's super hard for me to make decisions because I always second guess myself. I always wonder if I'm doing the right thing, every single time. No matter what it is. Moving here was super hard in the beginning. It didn't feel like home, like it was mine. And it passed after a few weeks, but it was hard. I don't want this new place to be like that. I just want it to feel right and be optimistic about the move. It's just hard for me.  Every time I feel this way, I'm "in a horrible mood." "Why are you in a horrible mood?" It's like, wtf?! Why is it every time I FEEL something, I am in a horrible mood!? Just because I feel too much?!