Saturday, February 18, 2017

"Never look down on anyone, unless you're helping them up." ~ Jesse Jackson

I am a good person.

I am not perfect, believe me, I am far from perfect. But no one is perfect. And I strongly believe that no individual human being is better than any other individual human being. We are all the same, just trying our best in this broken, divided, depressing world, not knowing what the hell we're really doing, but faking it the best we can. Because adulting is hard. 

We try our best. Because:

The only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday. 

However, I find myself feeling... jealous (for lack of a better term) of other women because they are able to have the one thing I cannot: more children.

So many of my friends, ex friends, people I'm friends with online {but not really friends with,} and a few drug addicts I know, are able to have 2, 3, 4 kids, just popping one out after another, no problem. I have moments when I wish I were able to get pregnant that easily, but then apart of me believes that my son is my little miracle. Maybe he is the only child I am supposed to have because he is going to do great things and change the world. 

And even though girls talk incessantly, and never shut up (I used to babysit my niece when she was 2-3, and OMG she never stopped talking!) I've always wanted a little girl. My little Skyelar Violet, with her blonde hair just like her brother, and her hazel/green eyes just like her Daddy. My husband and I tried for 2 years to get pregnant. But I have ovarian cysts, and he was a tank driver for the USMC, which supposedly means there is a 50/50 chance he's sterile. 

And ... I'm not good at many things, but I am a good mother. And I love my son more than my own life. If he needed two kidneys, he could have both of mine. 

What makes me so angry is when someone I know, who isn't a good mother, is able to have kids like it's no big deal. They're all Fertile Myrtle's. 
And when I say "isn't a good mother," I mean ... they are incredibly selfish. These women are not the type of people who put their kids needs before their own; they are self obsessed, and use their kids like accessories. Like a chihuahua in a purse they carry around, except it's a baby, and they fish for compliments on how cute their baby is... because we all know that's the only thing that matters about kids. As long as they're cute... 

And yes, we all believe our kids are cute, and they usually are, but teaching our kids important knowledge {before they start school} is vital to how they will do in school. As early as possible, it's so important to teach them letters and colors and numbers and, if you speak two languages, TEACH THEM BOTH! Speak everything you say to them in both languages. I read to Dylan all the time when he was little, as did his Grandparents, and when he was 3 years old, he came into my room with "Harold and the Purple Crayon" and he started reading it to me. Fluidly.  I couldn't believe how good of a reader he was before he even started Pre-school.

Now that I am going to be 33, and my son is almost 12, I've lost the urge to have another baby. Or maybe I've just lost hope that it could ever happen... I have moments when I want another one, and moments where I'm like, "Nope! No more diapers, no more temper tantrums, no more lack of sleep, no more 3am bottle feedings, no more messes, no more CRYING, ETC."  

But it does hurt how ... sad things happen to good people. To good mothers. And there isn't anything that can be done about it. 

I am not better than you. There are times when a person has more knowledge about a specific subject than you do, for example, I know nothing about cars. But my husband does. So, when I have any type of car trouble, I ask him about it and he checks it out and fixes it, or tells me there's nothing wrong. But that's not being BETTER than a person, that's just HAVING KNOWLEDGE in a specific subject that other people may not. 

I know how to write. But I don't talk very well. I get nervous, and stumble over my words and sometimes stutter, but with writing, you can always go back and edit what you've wrote. 

There is no backspace button on verbal words. 

I am lucky. I was able to have one amazing kid, and I try to be the best mom I can be for him. And for almost 6 years now, I've had a step-son, who's had a difficult beginning, and needs a stable female role model in his life. He's lived with us for 16 months now. Things are getting better, but he is starting go to through puberty, so the next few years are going to be SO MUCH FUN! Gotta love that teenage attitude... 

But I am grateful for everything in my life. I am so lucky to have such an amazing husband and great kids. 

I wish I could help others. I wish there were a way for me to reach out to someone who needs help, without being mocked. How do you help a person who doesn't understand the concept of compassion? How do you tell them you want to help them, you want to lift them up? I genuinely want to support this person and make them see just now capable they are despite of their flaws, their problems, their history. 

But... I don't think she would ever let me help her. And I worry if she did, it wouldn't mean a thing to her. 

I am a good person. But I am not better than anyone. 

I just want to be better than I was yesterday.